El Bandito

A sick, twisted, malformed, perverter of all that is good and pure and a valuable member of the Ninja Burger community. Proud owner of a second penis, aka, furryjonny.

Birthday: July 2, 1985

Member since: May 2, 2002

Height: 6'

Weight: 145 lbs

Eyes: Hazel

Hair: Dark Brown

Job: Moderator of the Ninja Burger forum; Vice-CEO of The Shinku-san Corporation; Second wave member of The Warriors of the Ancestors; former road manager for The Pan Force Five.

Location: Playin' solitaire 'til dawn, with a deck of fifty-one (aka, very lonely and sitting in front of a computer)

Quote:"Must I molest all of you till the only things that come from your mouths are incoherent screams?"

The Rules of El-gagment

Hello. My name is Kitten Champion.

Many of you may be curious about a certain member of this forum. One who, in the past, has posted highly pornographic links, discussed things which curdle the stomach of any decent civilized person, and generally forced his comely body on anything that was not nailed down. I am talking of course, about El Bandito. El Bandito is the leading cause of loss of virginiy, physical trauma, emotional dissolution, and death in the entire Western Hemisphere, and the second leading cause in the Eastern, after Ai Maeda.

It is important for each person to realize that protection from El Bandito is everyone's concern. You cannot sit back and figure "It won't happen to me", because the alleys behind Shinku-san Corp. are littered with the dismembered, horribly violated corpses of people who thought the same thing you did. That it wouldn't happen to you. El Bandito does not discriminate by race, sex, age, country of origin, or religion. El Bandito is one of the worst things that can strike you in your lifetime, and it is simply imperative that if you are in a high-risk area for El Bandito, you take precautions to assure you are not one of the hundreds daily left moaning like a whore with no vital organs below the waist intact, rotting in the women's room on the 3rd floor.

The following are key rules to note about El Bandito. It is important to be able to call these up during any situation in which you may be confronted by El Bandito.

1. El Bandito will have sex with anything; Animate, inanimate, spiritual or incorporeal.

2. El Bandito will attempt to have sex with anything if he is in the mood.

3. El Bandito is always in the mood.

4. Death is not a deterrent to sexual violation by El Bandito. Nor is terminal sickness, loss of balance, physical deformity or operation of heavy machinery.

5. There is no known way of avoiding an attack by El Bandito, save for outrunning him.

6. If El Bandito has seen you, you cannot outrun him.

7. El Bandito's penis can extend in width, volume, and length to an indeterminate range.

8. If El Bandito cannot catch you running, his penis will.

Avoidance of El Bandito is the only known measure of protection against El Bandito. If you spot him, immediately get to a safe distance, preferably several hundred miles away and behind no fewer than twelve sheets of reinforced steel plating.

There are many myths circulating about El Bandito as so few have survived his attacks and even fewer been left with the capacity to talk afterwards.

Myth: You don't need to run faster than El Bandito. You only need to run faster than your friend.

Fact: El Bandito will catch up to your friend, and, at the same time having his unpleasant way with him or her, will jump-sex you from behind as well.

Myth: El Bandito is not sexually attracted to certain scents.

Fact: El Bandito is attracted to all scents, including the abscene of any scent, fresh air, filthy air, and particulate noble gases found in the Earth's atmosphere. Scientists have yet to find an element which does not arrouse El Bandito.

Myth: El Bandito cannot violate you as long all your bodily orifices are sealed with wax.

Fact: El Bandito will drill his penis into any portion of your body he can lay hands upon, including earlobes, elbows, wisdom teeth, and collarbones.

Myth: El Bandito was created by Nazi scientists to determine the effects of prolonged sexual mortification in Jews, Greeks, and Gypsies.

Fact: El Bandito was created by Allied scientists to determine the effects of prolonged sexual mortification on Japanese, Chinese, and Eleanor Roosevelt.

It is important to take all of this into consideration if your work, play, or homelife puts you in proximity to El Bandito. But, if you have already been violated by El Bandito there are steps you may still take.

1. Do not alert the police. No peace officer force on any continent has the manpower capable of withstanding El Bandito.

2. Check for unusual sores, discharge, or sensations. El Bandito carries every know strand of every known disease and malady in his bodily secretions, and can transmit these to you with no more than a thought. Regularly check yourself after an assault for any unusual signs that may lead to painful, horrific death.

3. Join a support group. Many sponsored groups around the world have been established to lend comfort to survivors of El Bandito's attacks. Joining one of these may alleiviate any feelings of shame, loss of privacy, or psychological trauma. These support groups do however, make excellent targets for future El Bandito attacks.

Overall, the most important thing to do actually appear like you wish to be violated. You're going to be anyway, and pretending to want it will actually make the uneasy process go smoother and quicker. This can be accomplished by showing how impressed you are by World of Warcraft character levels, social recluses who thrive on computer-based interaction, or anime.

You can't prevent El Bandito. But you can at least try to humor him.

El Unchained

In the horrific new publication from Shinku-san Comics, Barcode returns to the Corporation headquarters in an attempt to use his new Ultrasex formula on Shinku-san, hoping to turn Shinku-san into a sex-crazed pervert and make him unable to focus on company issues. Instead, he trips over the supine (and extremely drunk) form of El Bandito passed out on the floor and spills it on him. The resulting monstrosity rapes Barcode with enough force to blast him through a fifth-floor window before leaving to chase down panheadgirl.