The Dack

A Real American.

Real name: Thaddeus Dackenwitz

Birthday: September 24, 1989

Member since: June 24, 2004

Job: Mid Level employee of The Shinku-san Corporation; Undefeated master of the east.

Location: the jeet kune dojo

Known Relatives: Admiral Dack (father, deceased), Frau Dack (mother, deceased),

Simon Dackenwitz (Brother, Deceased), Andrew Dackenwitz (Brother, Deceased), James A. Dackenwitz (Brother, Deceased), John Dackenwitz (Brother, Deceased), Philip Dackenwitz (Brother, Deceased), Bartholomew Dackenwitz (Brother, Deceased), Thomas Dackenwitz (Brother, Deceased), Matthew Dackenwitz (Brother, Deceased), James B. Dackenwitz (Brother, Deceased), Judas Dackenwitz (Brother, Deceased), Matthias Dackenwitz, (Brother, Deceased) June Dackenwitz (Sister, Deceased), July Dackenwitz (Sister, Deceased), August Dackenwitz (Sister, Deceased), September Dackenwitz (Sister, Deceased), October Dackenwitz (Sister, Deceased), November Dackenwitz (Sister, Deceased), December Dackenwitz (Sister, Deceased), February Dackenwitz (Sister, Deceased), January Dackenwitz (Sister, Deceased), March Dackenwitz (Sister, Deceased), April Dackenwitz (Sister, Deceased), May Dackenwitz (Sister, Deceased), Kitchen Sink Knee-Lift Dackenwitz (Sister, Deceased)

Quote:"I'd be disappointed in you, if it was possible to be any more disappointed in you than I already was."

The Dack was born the first of twenty-three children in 1989, to a mild-mannered set of parents who just happened to lead double lives as special agents for Shinku-san Crop, the farm and field division of the vast global empire that precludes all of our lives. Growing up on the farms gave The Dack, whose real name is Thaddeus Dackenwitz, a healthy perpetual tan, and the strength and stamina of the cows and horses his parents raised to be ground into filled for Shinku-San Corp. concessions.

Tragedy struck the Dackenwitz family however, when former Admiral Dack was crushed by an errant falling tractor. Frau Dack, their mother, so struck painfully by the tragedy, packed up all her belongings and moved in with a handsome rich bachelor dentist. Realizing the extent of his mother's sorrow at their loss, The Dack, as he became known, being the head of the Dackenwitz household, opted to raise all twnety-two of his brothers and sisters as his own children. They all died or were lost in gambling debts progressively until all that remained of his family was The Dack's ten-year old sister Kitchen Sink Knee-Lift. The pride of The Dack's life, Knee-Lift was under the utmost watchful eye of her big brother, despite her being a notorious nose-picker and speaking only an obscure dialect of Icelandic.

Yet tragedy once more visited the house of The Dack's when Kitchen Sink Knee-Lift, the sole remaining female of their family was taken from the Shinku-san Crop workforce and conscripted for The El Bandito Deflowerization Project or Operation: Baby-Smooth. The Dack, moved immesurably after this final act of betrayaal by fate, howled revenge on all who ever did him wrong. Shortly after his declaration, he fell in with Kitten Champion, swayed by promises of their collective revenge-having on all those who ever slighted them, and has since developed his bronzed-godlike body into a machine for The Shinku-san Corporation, intending someday to rise against the machinations of the corporation, as many employees these days seem to want to. Opting to dress only in an ill-fitting top hat and pastel satin bowtie, with matching short pants, The Dack seeks revenge for the explosive death his sister suffered at the hands of fate and El Bandito's unholy genitals. The Shinku-san Crop division has since moved on from farmland tending to deforesting South America and turning Antarctic penguins into a deliciously filling yet low-cost soup.